A Letter to Mr Knife Ears: Never Emptied

Dear Mr Knife Ears,

The thing about happiness is that in my experience it comes from feeling the river flow through me. It isn’t about happiness coming from affirmation from others, recognition at work, my other roles, social connection, my intimate relationships, jokes from my family or good mental health. It is about happiness coming to me because I give affirmation to others, I recognise others at work, I give back as a mother and church member, I connect to others socially when I feel they need it, I give wholeheartedly in all my intimate partnerships, I give grace to my family when their jokes hurt and I try to help others with their trauma and mental health problems.

Through that giving, I am never emptied, because it isn’t really coming from me at all. It’s all coming from God and the unending love that He has for us. So I give of myself rather sparingly, and I give of God’s love fiercely and unendingly. I think the problem with any of us being self-focused and worrying about our own happiness is that we don’t really know what will make me happy. That’s something that God knows, though, as He knows our hearts. So I trust in His Word. When He says for me to love my neighbour as much as I love myself – I trust that this will make me happy.

This began many months before I met you, in fact many years. For whatever else I have been through in life, I have never walked alone. Although I think he has lost his way recently, it was Hawk who once taught me to listen to my heart. I started doing that about eight years ago, and I’ve not stopped since. There is nothing more damaging to me than when I am selfish and look inwards to myself to try and solve my problems instead of looking upwards and outwards. God is in all of us, and in the whole wonderful world – and when I look upwards and invite Him in, He has always saved me from trouble and given me peace and joy, even in my darkest hours.

I have thought a lot more than twice about whether I could be a good partner for you. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s more than just a maybe one day I might be a good partner for you – I am a good partner for you, right now. That’s my call to make – I would suggest don’t overthink it and worry more about whether you’re a good partner for me rather than the reverse.

I’m not fully recovered, neither are you. But I’m recovered enough to go back to giving freely – and it isn’t fair to hold myself, you and everyone I spend time with back from happiness and joy in the vain hope that I will one day be “better” than I am now. Jesus says come as you are, and I think that means to come to each other as we are too as well as to Him.

I don’t pretend to know what God’s intention is for our relationship. I think there are always guides and signposts in scripture, but everything is individual. We’re both unique, and so our relationship is unique. I think we are better off trusting to God and letting care and Spirit flow through us than worrying too much. I believe that having faith means to accept that God loves us and won’t lead us astray, all we have to do is follow

Jesus already has all my baggage and pain, he always did. Up to me if I want to accept the grace, love and forgiveness that he offers. I do, for me accepting grace always means giving it as well. I think about the Lord’s Prayer, and God forgiving me my sins as I forgive those who have sinned against me. To forgive means to give love, at least that’s how I see it – but I have only a little bit of my own grace, because I’m imperfect. So I give and give of God’s grace, because He is endless.

You deserve a girl like me, who focuses on you and giving of the grace of God freely, because it’s wonderful. I also deserve a girl/guy/person like that, we all do because we are all children of God. There is the most wonderful joy in being perfectly ordinary and exactly like everyone else, because we are all blessed with love. Fucking amazing stuff.

I know very well who I am, and my tank is always full to give from because it isn’t my own tank. It’s God’s love flowing through me, not mine. It’s just pride to think that I could ever give that much – but I really believe that it’s Spirit in me because I have done unbeliveable things on the strength of my faith in God’s love. More importantly, in my faith in my worthiness of God’s love and everyone else being worthy of it too. My role is to share that love.

I will always have time for you, because you’re my partner – and it is the right thing to be there for you and listen to you. My strength is doing what is right doesn’t come from me, so I’m not worried I’ll ever be too tired to listen or act as necessary. If I need help doing God’s will, God will give it to me. He always has.

You’re incredibly special, not because of what you say or do, but because you are God’s child. He’s given you to me to take care of, and that’s what I’m going to do. I will never apologise for any comments I make about staying friends no matter what happens. Yes it’s difficult, but it’s the right thing to do, and if you let God flow through you you can do His will. That effort, as you well know, is like water off a duck’s back when it doesn’t coming from you, but from God.

I’m not interested in trying to get myself right, or you getting yourself right either. You’re perfectly right exactly the way you are. No hedging bets or leaving doors open. God gave you to me, and I’m very sorry that in the beginning I didn’t listen to Him and let Him show me how to care for you straight up.

I think it’s a bit of divine intervention with all my letter writing stuff to help you release the last letter.

Mr Knife Ears, I am falling in love with you. There is nothing wrong with my perspective, and I’m not going to pray for you. I’m going to pray for me, and I’ll pray with you if you like, but as I see it you’re freaking amazing, and you don’t need to change, you just need to let God flow through you. But then again, we all do so that’s not exactly special.

Roar like a lion,

Sachi Rose

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