A Letter To Hawk: Never Left Melbourne

It’s a really beautiful afternoon outside, the sunlight bounces off the gum trees and reflects that quieter, mellower shade of yellowbrown into my eyes. I spoke to Hawk this morning and this afternoon, and he’s amazing. I’d like to take a few minutes of your time, dear readers, and share a small part of that story.

I met you, Hawk, when I needed rescuing from an awful childhood and I needed guidance. I said to you once in the very beginning that I needed a White Knight, and you told me that you didn’t want to be that for me…but you changed your mind. I am so, so glad that you changed your mind, Hawk. I have always thought of you as my Spirit Guide, and even though we have gone on very different paths now, I am so grateful for the time we had, the guidance you gave me and the love we still share.

We shared so much together, didn’t we? Not just the years of our lives but also our dreams, our passions, our first university degree, our bodies and our very souls entwined for what we thought would be forever. To be very honest, my dear Hawk, I am so sorry that we no longer made each other happy.

I wish now that we’d never left Melbourne, and that we hadn’t broken apart. In many ways, I’m not sure I ever left, for sure and certain a large part of my spirit is still there. The damage is done now, and I think our paths now diverge in truth as well as intention. Perhaps we were already moving apart from each other, as I said we were, and it would have been inevitable. Perhaps we could have kept going a bit longer on the same road.

But I have been so glad to see you follow your own heart, you know. I love that you are vegan now – even if I am not. I love that you are playing guitar. I love that you want to protect me, and I know that I haven’t made that easy for you to do.

I don’t quite know what your relationship is to me, even now. You are the father of my own child, but also in many ways more a guide to me than my own father. I love you so much, but I cannot live with you anymore. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you, except give you back all of my heart. In all of the years of my life, you are the person I remember the most fondly, you know. No matter what problems we once had, I think the good you’ve done for me outweighs the bad.

And in any case, we are all only human. You made the best choices and decisions that you could have given the circumstances, and I am so grateful for all of that. The world is grey, as I always love to tell my students, but your particular shade is definitely whiter than most. When I ask myself, what would a good man do? It is you who sets the standard for that. You’re an inspiration to me, Hawk.

Were I you, I would have left me a lot sooner than I left you. You gave me the best years of your life and some of the best years of mine as well. You watched me grow up, and you always encouraged me to be my best. I am so sorry I stopped making you happy, you deserved to find your peace again. In no world can I even imagine us choosing each other now, at least as lovers. As a guide, a teacher and a friend, though, I’d choose you over and over and over again.

I can’t quite express the gratitude I have in my heart, Hawk, other than to wipe away bright tears from my eyes and say thank you over and over and over again.

With all my love,


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